Random Thinking and Venting

Britain's Got Talent: Paul Potts

2007-07-02T08:33:00.001-05:00

This is a clip I ran across, and found very inspiring. For those of us who don't watch much t.v., Britain's Got Talent is basically a big talent show with a bunch of regular people who perform because they think they may have a talent.

I'm back!... for now anyway

2007-06-29T09:36:00.000-05:00

I know I've been away for a while, but I guess I've just been busy. A lot has been going on since my last post. It's crazy because it feels like last time I posted was months and months ago, when it really was not even 2 months. For me, blogging is very time consuming, but I probably will write more over the summer being that I'm now on summer vacation.

Well, shortly after my last blog, my father passed away. That was quite an experience, which I'll probably write about at another time. The day I flew back into Brooklyn I received more horrible news. One of my best friends (my roommate from college) passed away that morning. I think I was more depressed over my friend's passing, being that he was so young. He was younger than me. I had just attended his wedding a year ago, and he just had a baby boy weeks earlier. In fact, the day of his funeral was when his pidyon haben was going to take place. Very tragic.

Anyway, May was a trying time for me, but I am feeling much better. These kind of events make you think about whether you're living you're life the way you should. But the truth is, I'm ALWAYS thinking about whether I'm living my life the way I should... ALWAYS! One thing that I can learn from my dad's life is that he was happy. I mean I know things weren't perfect for him, but he always had a smile on his face, he was always making perverted jokes, and I do think he made the best of things. Right before I die, I'd like to think that I did lead a happy life.

When I attended my friend's funeral, I realized he did everything he wanted to do. He had a heart condition, so emergency trips to the hospital were no new thing to him. But he still managed to accomplish what he wanted to do in his short life. I remember, when we were roommates, that he was sort of going through a rebellious stage. But I did notice that he did have a yearning to get closer to Hashem,and lead a religious life. He ended up leaving before he graduated so he could attend yeshiva. He got married joined the kollel, and had a baby boy. I think those were the main goals in his lfe, and he completed each one of them. I'd like to one day look back and feel accomplished as I know he would feel.

I'm 25, and I feel like I should already be on my way to bigger and better things. I should be meeting someone right now, and starting to think about our future together, and our family, etc... But I feel like I'm stuck. I still have not reconciled my sexuality and my religion. And to tell you the truth, I don't think I ever will completely. I keep bouncing around from one side of the fence to the other. And really this has been going on for years. Just when I'm sure that I have chosen a path, something happens that changes my mind, or makes me reevaluate everything.

My problem is that I try to put too much emphasis on things or events. I'm always looking for signs from Hashem, because I'm always asking for His guidance. And when these 2 horrible events happened last month, I thought maybe I should take it as a message from Hashem. Up until that point I was sort of swaying towards meeting a nice Jewish guy, and seeing where things go from there. I mean I even went on a "date." But then this happens, and now I've been thinking I should try and go the other way. I've been going out more to straight frum parties/events. I've been trying to be more social with the females. I have even been pondering asking this one girl out on a date.

At a party last week, there was this girl who kept looking at me, like she was expecting me to come over to her. After several of those looks, I did decide to go over and start up a conversation. If I was straight I would totally go for her! I mean she's beautiful, humble, has a great smile, and is a little shy. If I ever got married, I could totally see a girl like her as my wife.
But, the physical attraction isn't there, at least on my part. I mean I know she's beautiful, and I really like her personality, but there should at least be a little physical attraction. No? I just don't see how a marriage could work with me, being that that female organ does nothing for me. I mean I'm even repulsed by the idea.

I'll just stop here abruptly cause this post has gone long enough! See what happens when you have too much time on your hands?!

Shabbos

2007-05-06T22:55:00.000-05:00

I know I said I was going to make an effort and start blogging more, but it's a lot easier said than done! My life has been taken over by school and work, so it's not easy finding time to do this.

This past Shabbos, my roommate went away so I decided to have some people over. This time I decided to have some gay friends come over. I NEVER have gay friends come over because I'm always afraid some of my local straight friends will see them, and then start asking questions. At this point in my life I'm sort of tired of being so overprotective of my closetedness. I have also been feeling bad about always saying no to one specific friend (YU guy) who never has a place to go. I learned that he will leaving back home soon for the summer, so I decided I NEED to have him over before he leaves.

Anyway, the other friend was someone I had never met in person. We met online, and started chatting, then talking ont he phone. He's also a closeted guy, around my age, and he actually lives around my neighborhood. He came early so he could help me cook (his father was a chef, so I was helping HIM cook!). He's a very nice guy, and attractive, but I'm not so sure he's my type.

What made the night's meal kind of interesting was the fact that not everyone was gay. I also invited my longtime friend (who I'm not out to), who just moved into my building. So we had to come up with stories of how we knew each other.

Anyway, overall the meal went great. The conversation and the food was good. What more can you ask for? Later, another friend showed up unexpectedly. His gaydar detected something right away! My YU guest sort of has this "gay laugh" which sort of gives him away. I feel bad because he totally doesn't realize it. Anyway, my friend who showed up unexpectedly kept giving me this weird look everytime my YU friend would laugh. His look said it all, but I just pretended I didn't know what his look meant.

Today my friend/ neighbor told me that he knows my friend is a "faggot." I pretended again like I didn't know what he was talking about. Anyway, we didn't make a big deal out of it, and changed the subject. I guess I definitely raised my friend's suspicions about me, but they didn't say or ask anything about me. Maybe they do not suspect as much as I think they do, or maybe they'd rather just not know. Who knows?

Switching on to another more interesting story... My brother told me he went to some singles party in the upper west side, with one of his female friends and her boyfriend. The ice breaker activity was kind of interesting. Each guy and girl received a sticker with an adjective on it, and they had to put it on their back. The objective was to find that one other person of the opposite sex with the same adjective on their back. My brother's friend already had a boyfriend so she put her sticker on his back. So in the end, there would be a guy looking for the sticker on my brother's back. The real funny part is that the guy did find my brother and it was one of my friends who is also gay (or bi, supposedly). This is a friend who used to have a huge crush on me. What are the odds??? There were hundreds of people there!

Interesting.... Or Not

2007-03-25T08:20:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling for a while that my life needs something more. I feel as if there's almost nothing interesting about me. I feel like my life is boring (yawn!). The only thing I could think of was the fact that I'm a public school teacher. That's one of the main reasons I decided to go into teaching, and in a bad area too. I love the fact that everyday is different, and that you can never know what to expect. My day goes so fast, and is over before I know it (I don't think most people can say that about their jobs). Plus it's a high energy job- I'm lucky to find even a couple of minutes to sit at my chair- and it keeps me on my toes.

But other than that... there's nothing really. One thing I've decided to do to try and change this is save as much money as possible to go on a crazy vacation this year sometime. Maybe Europe somewhere, maybe Israel, maybe Mexico or South America... somewhere crazy or exotic and out of the country. I NEED a little more excitement in my life.

I also need to get out more. Usually on the weekends I don't go out that much, because I try and rest up for the week. It's happened too many times where I go out and have a good time, and feel like I need an additional break after the weekend. Yah.... I guess I sort of bring this boring life upon myself. :-\ But I guess another reason I don't go out much is because I'm sort of also bored of going out, especially with the people I go out with. My friends are fine, and I do enjoy hanging out with them. But it sort of feels redundant after a while, and I don't enjoy myself as much. We go out, drink a little too much, someone makes an ass out of themselves (sometimes me =) ), and sometimes one of my friends gets the opportunity to impress an attractive girl. I guess that's what makes going out fun... the chance that you may meet someone , and if you don't... there's always alcohol! (totally kidding!). =)

Well, this is why I don't enjoy going out as much, and don't have as much fun as my friends do. We don't really have that one important common interest: they like women and I don't. I guess I just need more gay friends. I do have a handful of them, and when I say handful I literally mean just a handful... it's actually kind of pathetic. But it's hard making gay friends especially when you are not out. My gay guy friends I don't have much in common with: they are either weird, kinda creepy, or just want to hook up with me (and hookups are a no no for me!). ;) My gay girl friends are fine, we just don't get to hang out as much.

I guess the bottom line is that I need to get out more and meet more people like me with similar interests. My problem is that I am too concerned about keeping my anonymity, and it's time I stop being afraid and move on. I don't go to these interesting gay jewish events for that reason. I have to face the inevitable, and cannot keep pushing it off. I'm going to have to come out (yah.. the closet?). I'm 25, and it's time I go ahead and live my life. Nothing is going to change unless I do something about it. Last week, I felt so pathetic when a kid came up to me and asked me how old I was. I answered 25. Then he responded, "why aren't you married?" I answered, "because I haven't found the right one." But my single status at my age was not the pathetic part, it's the fact that I am not even looking. I don't want to be alone forever.

I keep thinking that some friends will feel betrayed or repulsed, some family will be extremely hurt (especially my mother), and others disappointed if I came out. But I cannot keep my life on hold forever and allow others' thoughts to keep me from living my own life, and being happy. I think it's been long enough that I've been living this lie. It's time I do what I have to do. What am I waiting for... for everyone to find out a different way? I can't have that happen.

I'm not saying I'm coming out today, tomorrow, or even at the Seder! I'm just acknowledging what I need to do... hopefully sooner than later. But all this is MUCH easier said than done.

Oy Vey!.... life is complicated isn't it?!

Celebrate! =)

2007-02-22T14:59:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't written in a while, but I decided I go ahead and post something quickly. I have a test in a couple of hours, which I haven't finished studying for (wish me luck!).

Well, it seems that this month is full of birthdays, at least in my circle of friends. I've been so busy just making all these birthday parties, it's kind of exhausting. One of my friends had a pretty big party a few weeks ago at some bar. I actually knew almost everybody there (we're talking about over 100 people). I decided to invite a closeted gay friend of mine, and one of his friends. I was a little worried we would all get a too tipsy and reveal something that would make us uncomfortable in the future. Well, we all got VERY tipsy (thanks to tequila.... really... that drink should be illegal!) but thank G-d nothing crazy happened, except that my gay friend was sort of hitting on my cousin, but not in an overtly obvious way.

One of my other gay friends also had two birthday parties: One for the straights, and one for the gays. I got invited to both... aren't I special! =) I meant to go to the straight party, but couldn't make it in the end, so I had to show up to his gay party. I found out that only 13 people showed up to his first party. At his second party, only me and another guy showed up. I felt kind of bad for him, but we had fun anyway. We went ice skating, which I do not know how to do at all.

The other bday party I went to was someone who I don't even know that well, but I'm friends with the host of the party, so I decided to show up because I wanted her to show up to my party, which was coming up. It was a LAME party full of people I've seen before but never had any interest in speaking to because I thought they were kinda odd. I tried talking and making friends, but felt so uncomfortable that I immediately left after like an hour. That was a LONG hour.

Finally, came my party (well, me and my brother's bday party since our bdays fall so close together). We had about 50-60 people show up. It's not THAT many people, but everyone I wanted to show up did, and we had a GREAT time. I met new people, drank with friends, danced with others. There was even a serial butt pincher who pinched me. I kind of felt violated at first, but that quickly turned into flattery. =D
At first I was hoping to perhaps meet someone at my party, but decided this was a night dedicated only to having fun. It's bad when you have expectations to find someone at these parties, because it makes you have not such a great time in the end if you dont find that someone.

Anyway, that has been a great month so far. I also have vacation this week (President's Day Week). This weekend I'll be attending yet another birthday party, and then Purim is just around the corner.... I think I'll have to join AA next month!

Well, that's all for now. I ended up writing a lot more than I intended, and now I have less time to study! Wish me luck on my test! =)

Funeral =(

2007-02-08T23:09:00.000-05:00

Today I attended a funeral of a friend who I was not really at all that close too. She was more of a friend by association. She was my close friend’s/ neighbor’s sister-in-law.

When I first moved into the Flatbush area, my brother would come over for Shabbos, and we would make it a point to hang out with our friends; a lot of the time she would be there. I actually liked it when she was there because she had a very unique personality; she was very sarcastic and playfully a little bitter, but in a funny way. After a few times that we hung out, she was diagnosed with cancer. That’s when I saw less and less of her as the months went by. We would get updates from her sister. Sometimes she was doing very badly, other times she was doing much better. Just a few months ago, we received the news that she was making a lot of progress, and was doing very well. I was wondering when I’d see her next.

Just this week, I got news that she was back in the hospital, and that she was not at all well. Last night a friend called my brother telling him that she may not make it through the night. For some reason I didn’t really believe the news. I mean it did hit me, but after a little while I assured myself for some reason that she would make it. This morning as I got into work, I received a phone call from my brother that her funeral would be today. The news hit me really hard. I was actually tearing up as soon as I hung up the phone. I was tearing up even more at the actual funeral, as I heard the whimpers of her sisters and her mother, as her body was being lowered into the ground.

I don’t know why I was saddened as much as I was. I wasn’t even close to her. Maybe it’s the fact that she was so young, and had so much promise. It’s also just horrible to see any family mourn the loss of a loved one. When things like this happen, it really gets you thinking and puts a lot of things into perspective. I guess death is what makes life so important (I heard that on tv somewhere).

I Love Shabbos

2007-02-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

It's bearly Tuesday, and I'm already waiting for Shabbos to come in. I'm not such a huge fan of this whole weekday thing! I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I usually am exhausted by the end of the week, and feel too lazy to go to Manhattan to spend Shabbos with my brother. So I usually just eat the meals out by a friend, who lives in the neighborhood... it is soooooo convenient because his family LOVES me, and is even insulted if i don't show up for 2 weeks in a row. I love them ... almost as much as I love Shabbos! ;)

Last week, I sort of felt forced to hold Shabbos meals at my place, even though I did not at all feel up to it. My brother and 2 friends asked if they could come, and I couldn't say no since they've had me over several times for Shabbos. I ended up cooking for5 people (including me and my roomie). It wasn't that bad at all though, since we were invited out for Shabbos morning, even though it was a 45 minute walk out in the freeeezing cold. Overall, I had a great time. The inconvenience of having to cook was well worth it. I would rather have had them than not.

And by the way... yes, I made apricot chicken.... that is ALL I know how to make!

Hilarious Article: Bitter Jewish Divorce in Brooklyn

2007-01-25T17:49:00.000-05:00

This is an article that my step-father found in USA Today. I just thought I'd share it since I thought it was hilarious. It looks like something straight out of a movie! It's a MUST read! =)

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2007-01-19-warofroses_x.htm?POE=click-refer

Panic!

2007-01-23T18:17:00.000-05:00

I was just looking at my last post, and towards the end of it I was reminded of one of these crazy panicy moments, back in college.

Well, I went to the same college as my brother, and he and I had basically the same group of friends. These were all friends we grew up with and ones we made at college. Usually, on Shabbos, we would all get together for dinner- we're talking about 10 or more of us on a normal Shabbat.

One Shabbat, while we were in the middle of dinner, one of my friends was talking about how he had left his dorm room door open that day. When he got back, he saw some guy he doesn't really know at his computer. My brother quickly jumped into the conversation, and told me in front of EVERYBODY that he noticed that I too left my door open, and that when he walked in the other day, he turned on my computer screen and saw that there was gay porn on the browser. He continued to say that he scrolled down just to check if ANY of it was straight, and surely enough it wasn't.

My brother was convinced it was this crazy random guy. As soon as the words "gay porn" had left his mouth, I was in panic mode!! My heart skipped a beat, my hands started to sweat, and I was trying so hard to keep my hands from shaking under the table! Outside I was just trying to keep my cool, but inside I was yelling at the top of my lungs at my brother, "Don't say another word you IDIOT!!!!!........ Stop Talking!!!!" I think there was even a long pause after that. I think I ended up responding, "that's freaky!" - something stupid like that.

Anyway, thank G-d someone changed the subject after that. I really could not believe that my own brother didn't put two and two together, especially since that was like the 3rd or 4th time he had found gay porn on my computer. I just wish he had dealt with this with me individually, instead of at dinner when he had all of our friends' undivided attention.

................But hey..... looking back... it IS kinda funny. No?

Leading a Double Life

2007-01-07T22:10:00.000-05:00

I was reading an article the other day about why all kinds of people lead double lives, whether it's someone who hides being half black, someone who hides their religious background, or someone who hides their sexuality. Obviously some benefit is gained, or believed to be gained, by doing this. In the article, one guy was able to get ordained as a conservative rabbi, something he would not have been able to do had he not hidden the fact that he was gay. Another guy denied he was black since middle school because he saw how the white students at his school received more attention. These are just a couple of examples of people leading a double life merely to achieve ordinary ends.

I was definitely able to relate to this article, and maybe a lot more people can relate to it to some degree as well. What I gain most I think is acceptance. If I told my straight friends about me... sure most will still be friends with me, but most don't understand and/or can't relate, and would perhaps feel at least a little uneasy/uncomfortable around me at times. I think I will no longer be as close to some, probably because they will no longer think we are so much alike after all, or don't want to be associated with me as before. I simply do not want to be treated any differently as I am now.

It's not fun having to lie to most of my friends and family. I'm not just talking about hiding my sexuality; I'm talking about lying about where I'm going on a Saturday night, who I'm going with, how I know a certain someone, why I keep saying that I'm not ready to start dating seriously, etc... It's hard sometimes keeping all these lies straight, and one lie leads to another, and sometimes it starts getting a little hairy!

I was talking to my best friend's sister the other day about where I hung out last week. I had told this friend the name of a bar in The Village that doesn't even exist, because I know he wouldn't recognize it since he doesn't go out much. I definitely didn't want to give him the name to a gay club. His sister, on the other hand, knows basically all the bars/clubs in the city. She asked me which place I went to, in front of my friend. I gave her a different name - the first straight club that popped into my head, which is nowhere near the village. Luckily, my friend wasn't even paying attention, but if he was things could have got a little crazy.

There have been so many of these close-call situations in my life, too many! There have been times where I've almost had panic attacks!!!... and I never get those! Overall, I've become really good at coming up with stories to cover my tracks, but it's not something I'm proud of. Even though I think there is a positive purpose to this lying, I don't feel great about lying to my friends and family. I feel like I'm giving them a false sense of who I really am. But then again, I'm sure most will understand (I hope?).

Happy National Hangover Day!

2007-01-01T18:38:00.000-05:00

I know New Years isn't really a holiday Jews are supposed to celebrate, but the best New Years parties are the Jewish parties! I went to a party last night with my brother and a few friends, and had tons of fun. I just had waaaaaay too much to drink. Let's just say I don't remember a large part of that night, and my brother has some embarassing pictures of me!!! .... Family.... gotta love 'em! It's okay, he's the one that had to take care of me! =D

CRAPPY Day!! >:o

2006-12-14T16:20:00.000-05:00

I skipped work today to get some work done. My kids are supposed to take a test- one that I didn't make up- and I was also supposed to get some grading done. Well, it didn't quite work out.

I've been borrowing my brother's car, and it needed some work done. I took it to the mechanic shop, and waited for 3 hours, just to get something done that took 10 minutes. You don't understand..... I HATE WAITING!!! It was torture!

Then I decided to take it to get it's registration renewed, being that I got a ticket the other day when I borrowed it to go to work(-$65).
Well, once I got to the registration place and it came time to pay, the girl at the counter told me I would be charged 3 extra bucks for using a credit card. She recommended I go to the deli next door and use the ATM there. So I listened, and on my way back, I saw a traffic policelady giving me a ticket- one for being double-parked (-$115), and one for the old registration (-$65). So much for trying to save a few bucks!!!

Well, now it's 4:30. I would have been back from work already! I have no test done, and now I'm screwing around the computer!!!

Weird!

2006-12-10T10:49:00.000-05:00

Anyone a sleep walker? I only know of one person who sleep-walks... my cousin. He actually hurt himself badly once when he fell and hit his head on a doorknob. Other than that, I assume these cases are rare. I could be mistaken. I've also heard of people who binge eat, and have absolutely no recollection of it in the morning (saw it on Oprah).

Well, it turns out that I make phone calls in the middle of the night! This morning my cousin asks me why I called him so early in the morning. I gave him a weird look, and told him his phone must be faulty. He even let me hear the blank message I left. I checked my phone, and it turns out I did indeed call him at 4 in the morning! Spooky huh!!??

A Good Laugh! =)

2006-12-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

Ever have a rough day, and are not in the best of moods until something hilarious just happens?

Well, that was basically my Friday. I was exhausted from staying up late cooking for 7 friends that decided to invite themselves over last minute. Plus my students (7th grade public school students) are usually a little nuts on Fridays. In my last period of the day I was in charge of teaching this class about probability.

The question I posed to one student was:
There are 12 red marbles and 12 black marbles in a bag. What is the probablitly you'll get a red marble in your first draw?

His first answer: "24!"
His second answer: "Black!"
I couldn't hold it anymore... I started cracking up!

Thanksgiving: Why ME?!!

2006-11-21T14:14:00.000-05:00

Has something ever happened to you, and you think to yourself, "Why does this stupidity have to happen to ME?!" I had that happen to me this morning, and is the reason I'm missing work.

At work, we are having this "Thanksgiving Lunch" thing, where every teacher either prepared or bought a dish. I said I'd make apricot chicken (yah... i know... gay!). So yesterday, I went to the store, bought everything I needed, and left to a wedding. When I came back, it was late, but I made it anyway. I put it in the oven and planned to wait 2 hours; I even set an alarm in case I fell asleep. Well, next thing I know it's 5 hours later, and almost time to go to work! I freaked out; I was frozen in disbelief, staring at my burnt chicken for minutes.

I decided playing hookie was the best way to go. I could not have showed up empty-handed, or with my burnt apricot chicken!

Sometimes I think these crazy things only happen to me. What was I supposed to do???

Intro, Faith, & Frustration

2006-11-11T23:01:00.000-05:00

Well, this is my first time posting anything on the internet, even though I'm always on it.
Anyway, I decided to post something as sort of an outlet of how I feel, because there's not too many people who I get to share certain things/ topics with, and I'm also curious to read people's thoughts and reactions.

Well, I'm Jewish, Frum (for the most part), in my early 20's, and live in New York City, the place to be at my age it seems. I've been frum since I was 12, went to a yeshiva middle and high school, and even spent a year in Israel. Then I went to college in NYC, and ultimately decided to stay and work here. This is my background, in brief. I'm your regular modern-orthodox (whatever that means) guy. EXCEPT there's this one tiny, little issue that makes me sort of different from your typical MO guy: I'm a closet case. Yes... I like guys... a bit more than I should.

Now, I'm no queen who sleeps around and still calls themselves religious (still carrying the big V!), or am I a secular self-hating Jew with an agenda. Judaism has always been central to my life. However, I've been having more and more issues with my faith, and am starting to drift away from modern orthodoxy.
I've fancied the same sex since I was probably in elementary school. I thought these attractions were something completely normal which no one talked about, and that eventually I'd grow out of it. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited up until my year in Israel when I was 17. Then I sort of came out of my denial and admitted to myself that I've got a "problem" - I even remember going to the kotel several times crying my eyes out and praying to G-d that I'd change. I hated this part of myself, and would do anything to get rid of it. I later thought my prayers were answered when I came across an ex-gay group, a Jewish one at that. I was sold into their promises that change was most definitely possible and expected. Years later I just didn't buy it anymore.
These days, I've accepted this part of myself, and don't hate myself or blame anyone for it. I don't think complete change is possible for me. Perhaps I can try therapies that will help control my urges better but I think this same sex attraction will always be there.

So things have been a bit complicated for a few years now, and I have felt more and more pressure to choose between my faith and my sexuality. In the end this IS what it comes down to. There is no such thing as being a gay orthodox Jew. I mean I know there are groups that say there is, but I just don't see it. How can you be a religious Jew, believing in the Torah wholeheartedly, and be gay? If you think the Torah is only against anal sex, and not other aspects of homosexuality, then you're kidding yourself.

Now you could say this is a great challenge G-d put before me, and expects me to overcome. But that's just not enough for me anymore. Am I supposed to lie to a girl and act like I'm attracted to her, and get her to marry me? I've dated girls with great looks and personalities, and tried to act like I'm attracted to them. But I ultimately feel wrong and can't continue to deceive. I can't see myself doing that to a girl, knowing I won't provide her with the love every husband should provide. I'm sooo selfless aren't I??? But seriously, would you be okay with me marrying one of your daughters??

Am I supposed to marry a lesbian? I hope this question/ situation sounds at least a little outrageous to you. Yes, I can find a lesbian who is in the same boat as I am... seems perfect. =) We can pretend to love each other just like every husband and wife. But is living this lie what G-d expects from me? Is that my purpose? I try to think about this objectively and the more I think about it, the crazier the idea seems; I can't help it. I want to be with someone because I love them wholeheartedly... THAT's what I dream about.

I dream about being with a guy. And I'm not just talking about sexually! I'm talking about having a strong, loving relationship with a nerdy, but attractive Jewish guy who makes me melt everytime he smiles at me. Some of you may be repulsed by reading this, and I understand (my own brother- slightly younger than me- can't help but express disgust sometimes). I do understand the fear and homophobia and even the repulsiveness. I mean... straight men wouldn't be completely straight if they thought men kissing is a little sexy... right?

So this is basically why I'm becoming less and less religious. I think the path I'm leaning towards is obvious here, and I don't think there's room for me in orthodoxy. Slowly, I'm doing less and less... I no longer put tefilin on or wear tzit-tzit every day, I no longer have a chavrusa every week, or make it to shul every single Shabbos. My faith is obviously in the middle of going through some changes, my brother even half-jokingly calls me a heretic, and I do take him seriously at times. But can you blame me?

You can say that my faith was weak to begin with, since I'm questioning my faith just because things with me aren't perfect, or I think life is unfair. But I don't think that's the case. I just don't really believe that my loving another man is an abomination. I don't think G-d would really want me to be put to death for that. Does that make me a heretic? It probably does, but that is just the way I feel.

This posting was not meant to influence or make an argument for or against anything. This is what I have been going through personally, and these are thoughts and ideas that have been going through my head. Feel free to respond. Don't be too harsh!