Intro, Faith, & Frustration

Well, this is my first time posting anything on the internet, even though I'm always on it.
Anyway, I decided to post something as sort of an outlet of how I feel, because there's not too many people who I get to share certain things/ topics with, and I'm also curious to read people's thoughts and reactions.

Well, I'm Jewish, Frum (for the most part), in my early 20's, and live in New York City, the place to be at my age it seems. I've been frum since I was 12, went to a yeshiva middle and high school, and even spent a year in Israel. Then I went to college in NYC, and ultimately decided to stay and work here. This is my background, in brief. I'm your regular modern-orthodox (whatever that means) guy. EXCEPT there's this one tiny, little issue that makes me sort of different from your typical MO guy: I'm a closet case. Yes... I like guys... a bit more than I should.

Now, I'm no queen who sleeps around and still calls themselves religious (still carrying the big V!), or am I a secular self-hating Jew with an agenda. Judaism has always been central to my life. However, I've been having more and more issues with my faith, and am starting to drift away from modern orthodoxy.
I've fancied the same sex since I was probably in elementary school. I thought these attractions were something completely normal which no one talked about, and that eventually I'd grow out of it. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited up until my year in Israel when I was 17. Then I sort of came out of my denial and admitted to myself that I've got a "problem" - I even remember going to the kotel several times crying my eyes out and praying to G-d that I'd change. I hated this part of myself, and would do anything to get rid of it. I later thought my prayers were answered when I came across an ex-gay group, a Jewish one at that. I was sold into their promises that change was most definitely possible and expected. Years later I just didn't buy it anymore.
These days, I've accepted this part of myself, and don't hate myself or blame anyone for it. I don't think complete change is possible for me. Perhaps I can try therapies that will help control my urges better but I think this same sex attraction will always be there.

So things have been a bit complicated for a few years now, and I have felt more and more pressure to choose between my faith and my sexuality. In the end this IS what it comes down to. There is no such thing as being a gay orthodox Jew. I mean I know there are groups that say there is, but I just don't see it. How can you be a religious Jew, believing in the Torah wholeheartedly, and be gay? If you think the Torah is only against anal sex, and not other aspects of homosexuality, then you're kidding yourself.

Now you could say this is a great challenge G-d put before me, and expects me to overcome. But that's just not enough for me anymore. Am I supposed to lie to a girl and act like I'm attracted to her, and get her to marry me? I've dated girls with great looks and personalities, and tried to act like I'm attracted to them. But I ultimately feel wrong and can't continue to deceive. I can't see myself doing that to a girl, knowing I won't provide her with the love every husband should provide. I'm sooo selfless aren't I??? But seriously, would you be okay with me marrying one of your daughters??

Am I supposed to marry a lesbian? I hope this question/ situation sounds at least a little outrageous to you. Yes, I can find a lesbian who is in the same boat as I am... seems perfect. =) We can pretend to love each other just like every husband and wife. But is living this lie what G-d expects from me? Is that my purpose? I try to think about this objectively and the more I think about it, the crazier the idea seems; I can't help it. I want to be with someone because I love them wholeheartedly... THAT's what I dream about.

I dream about being with a guy. And I'm not just talking about sexually! I'm talking about having a strong, loving relationship with a nerdy, but attractive Jewish guy who makes me melt everytime he smiles at me. Some of you may be repulsed by reading this, and I understand (my own brother- slightly younger than me- can't help but express disgust sometimes). I do understand the fear and homophobia and even the repulsiveness. I mean... straight men wouldn't be completely straight if they thought men kissing is a little sexy... right?

So this is basically why I'm becoming less and less religious. I think the path I'm leaning towards is obvious here, and I don't think there's room for me in orthodoxy. Slowly, I'm doing less and less... I no longer put tefilin on or wear tzit-tzit every day, I no longer have a chavrusa every week, or make it to shul every single Shabbos. My faith is obviously in the middle of going through some changes, my brother even half-jokingly calls me a heretic, and I do take him seriously at times. But can you blame me?

You can say that my faith was weak to begin with, since I'm questioning my faith just because things with me aren't perfect, or I think life is unfair. But I don't think that's the case. I just don't really believe that my loving another man is an abomination. I don't think G-d would really want me to be put to death for that. Does that make me a heretic? It probably does, but that is just the way I feel.


This posting was not meant to influence or make an argument for or against anything. This is what I have been going through personally, and these are thoughts and ideas that have been going through my head. Feel free to respond. Don't be too harsh!