I skipped work today to get some work done. My kids are supposed to take a test- one that I didn't make up- and I was also supposed to get some grading done. Well, it didn't quite work out.
I've been borrowing my brother's car, and it needed some work done. I took it to the mechanic shop, and waited for 3 hours, just to get something done that took 10 minutes. You don't understand..... I HATE WAITING!!! It was torture!
Then I decided to take it to get it's registration renewed, being that I got a ticket the other day when I borrowed it to go to work(-$65).
Well, once I got to the registration place and it came time to pay, the girl at the counter told me I would be charged 3 extra bucks for using a credit card. She recommended I go to the deli next door and use the ATM there. So I listened, and on my way back, I saw a traffic policelady giving me a ticket- one for being double-parked (-$115), and one for the old registration (-$65). So much for trying to save a few bucks!!!
Well, now it's 4:30. I would have been back from work already! I have no test done, and now I'm screwing around the computer!!!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Weird!
Anyone a sleep walker? I only know of one person who sleep-walks... my cousin. He actually hurt himself badly once when he fell and hit his head on a doorknob. Other than that, I assume these cases are rare. I could be mistaken. I've also heard of people who binge eat, and have absolutely no recollection of it in the morning (saw it on Oprah).
Well, it turns out that I make phone calls in the middle of the night! This morning my cousin asks me why I called him so early in the morning. I gave him a weird look, and told him his phone must be faulty. He even let me hear the blank message I left. I checked my phone, and it turns out I did indeed call him at 4 in the morning! Spooky huh!!??
Well, it turns out that I make phone calls in the middle of the night! This morning my cousin asks me why I called him so early in the morning. I gave him a weird look, and told him his phone must be faulty. He even let me hear the blank message I left. I checked my phone, and it turns out I did indeed call him at 4 in the morning! Spooky huh!!??
Saturday, December 2, 2006
A Good Laugh! =)
Ever have a rough day, and are not in the best of moods until something hilarious just happens?
Well, that was basically my Friday. I was exhausted from staying up late cooking for 7 friends that decided to invite themselves over last minute. Plus my students (7th grade public school students) are usually a little nuts on Fridays. In my last period of the day I was in charge of teaching this class about probability.
The question I posed to one student was:
There are 12 red marbles and 12 black marbles in a bag. What is the probablitly you'll get a red marble in your first draw?
His first answer: "24!"
His second answer: "Black!"
I couldn't hold it anymore... I started cracking up!
Well, that was basically my Friday. I was exhausted from staying up late cooking for 7 friends that decided to invite themselves over last minute. Plus my students (7th grade public school students) are usually a little nuts on Fridays. In my last period of the day I was in charge of teaching this class about probability.
The question I posed to one student was:
There are 12 red marbles and 12 black marbles in a bag. What is the probablitly you'll get a red marble in your first draw?
His first answer: "24!"
His second answer: "Black!"
I couldn't hold it anymore... I started cracking up!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Thanksgiving: Why ME?!!
Has something ever happened to you, and you think to yourself, "Why does this stupidity have to happen to ME?!" I had that happen to me this morning, and is the reason I'm missing work.
At work, we are having this "Thanksgiving Lunch" thing, where every teacher either prepared or bought a dish. I said I'd make apricot chicken (yah... i know... gay!). So yesterday, I went to the store, bought everything I needed, and left to a wedding. When I came back, it was late, but I made it anyway. I put it in the oven and planned to wait 2 hours; I even set an alarm in case I fell asleep. Well, next thing I know it's 5 hours later, and almost time to go to work! I freaked out; I was frozen in disbelief, staring at my burnt chicken for minutes.
I decided playing hookie was the best way to go. I could not have showed up empty-handed, or with my burnt apricot chicken!
Sometimes I think these crazy things only happen to me. What was I supposed to do???
At work, we are having this "Thanksgiving Lunch" thing, where every teacher either prepared or bought a dish. I said I'd make apricot chicken (yah... i know... gay!). So yesterday, I went to the store, bought everything I needed, and left to a wedding. When I came back, it was late, but I made it anyway. I put it in the oven and planned to wait 2 hours; I even set an alarm in case I fell asleep. Well, next thing I know it's 5 hours later, and almost time to go to work! I freaked out; I was frozen in disbelief, staring at my burnt chicken for minutes.
I decided playing hookie was the best way to go. I could not have showed up empty-handed, or with my burnt apricot chicken!
Sometimes I think these crazy things only happen to me. What was I supposed to do???
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Intro, Faith, & Frustration
Well, this is my first time posting anything on the internet, even though I'm always on it.
Anyway, I decided to post something as sort of an outlet of how I feel, because there's not too many people who I get to share certain things/ topics with, and I'm also curious to read people's thoughts and reactions.
Well, I'm Jewish, Frum (for the most part), in my early 20's, and live in New York City, the place to be at my age it seems. I've been frum since I was 12, went to a yeshiva middle and high school, and even spent a year in Israel. Then I went to college in NYC, and ultimately decided to stay and work here. This is my background, in brief. I'm your regular modern-orthodox (whatever that means) guy. EXCEPT there's this one tiny, little issue that makes me sort of different from your typical MO guy: I'm a closet case. Yes... I like guys... a bit more than I should.
Now, I'm no queen who sleeps around and still calls themselves religious (still carrying the big V!), or am I a secular self-hating Jew with an agenda. Judaism has always been central to my life. However, I've been having more and more issues with my faith, and am starting to drift away from modern orthodoxy.
I've fancied the same sex since I was probably in elementary school. I thought these attractions were something completely normal which no one talked about, and that eventually I'd grow out of it. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited up until my year in Israel when I was 17. Then I sort of came out of my denial and admitted to myself that I've got a "problem" - I even remember going to the kotel several times crying my eyes out and praying to G-d that I'd change. I hated this part of myself, and would do anything to get rid of it. I later thought my prayers were answered when I came across an ex-gay group, a Jewish one at that. I was sold into their promises that change was most definitely possible and expected. Years later I just didn't buy it anymore.
These days, I've accepted this part of myself, and don't hate myself or blame anyone for it. I don't think complete change is possible for me. Perhaps I can try therapies that will help control my urges better but I think this same sex attraction will always be there.
So things have been a bit complicated for a few years now, and I have felt more and more pressure to choose between my faith and my sexuality. In the end this IS what it comes down to. There is no such thing as being a gay orthodox Jew. I mean I know there are groups that say there is, but I just don't see it. How can you be a religious Jew, believing in the Torah wholeheartedly, and be gay? If you think the Torah is only against anal sex, and not other aspects of homosexuality, then you're kidding yourself.
Now you could say this is a great challenge G-d put before me, and expects me to overcome. But that's just not enough for me anymore. Am I supposed to lie to a girl and act like I'm attracted to her, and get her to marry me? I've dated girls with great looks and personalities, and tried to act like I'm attracted to them. But I ultimately feel wrong and can't continue to deceive. I can't see myself doing that to a girl, knowing I won't provide her with the love every husband should provide. I'm sooo selfless aren't I??? But seriously, would you be okay with me marrying one of your daughters??
Am I supposed to marry a lesbian? I hope this question/ situation sounds at least a little outrageous to you. Yes, I can find a lesbian who is in the same boat as I am... seems perfect. =) We can pretend to love each other just like every husband and wife. But is living this lie what G-d expects from me? Is that my purpose? I try to think about this objectively and the more I think about it, the crazier the idea seems; I can't help it. I want to be with someone because I love them wholeheartedly... THAT's what I dream about.
I dream about being with a guy. And I'm not just talking about sexually! I'm talking about having a strong, loving relationship with a nerdy, but attractive Jewish guy who makes me melt everytime he smiles at me. Some of you may be repulsed by reading this, and I understand (my own brother- slightly younger than me- can't help but express disgust sometimes). I do understand the fear and homophobia and even the repulsiveness. I mean... straight men wouldn't be completely straight if they thought men kissing is a little sexy... right?
So this is basically why I'm becoming less and less religious. I think the path I'm leaning towards is obvious here, and I don't think there's room for me in orthodoxy. Slowly, I'm doing less and less... I no longer put tefilin on or wear tzit-tzit every day, I no longer have a chavrusa every week, or make it to shul every single Shabbos. My faith is obviously in the middle of going through some changes, my brother even half-jokingly calls me a heretic, and I do take him seriously at times. But can you blame me?
You can say that my faith was weak to begin with, since I'm questioning my faith just because things with me aren't perfect, or I think life is unfair. But I don't think that's the case. I just don't really believe that my loving another man is an abomination. I don't think G-d would really want me to be put to death for that. Does that make me a heretic? It probably does, but that is just the way I feel.
This posting was not meant to influence or make an argument for or against anything. This is what I have been going through personally, and these are thoughts and ideas that have been going through my head. Feel free to respond. Don't be too harsh!
Anyway, I decided to post something as sort of an outlet of how I feel, because there's not too many people who I get to share certain things/ topics with, and I'm also curious to read people's thoughts and reactions.
Well, I'm Jewish, Frum (for the most part), in my early 20's, and live in New York City, the place to be at my age it seems. I've been frum since I was 12, went to a yeshiva middle and high school, and even spent a year in Israel. Then I went to college in NYC, and ultimately decided to stay and work here. This is my background, in brief. I'm your regular modern-orthodox (whatever that means) guy. EXCEPT there's this one tiny, little issue that makes me sort of different from your typical MO guy: I'm a closet case. Yes... I like guys... a bit more than I should.
Now, I'm no queen who sleeps around and still calls themselves religious (still carrying the big V!), or am I a secular self-hating Jew with an agenda. Judaism has always been central to my life. However, I've been having more and more issues with my faith, and am starting to drift away from modern orthodoxy.
I've fancied the same sex since I was probably in elementary school. I thought these attractions were something completely normal which no one talked about, and that eventually I'd grow out of it. Well, I waited, and waited, and waited up until my year in Israel when I was 17. Then I sort of came out of my denial and admitted to myself that I've got a "problem" - I even remember going to the kotel several times crying my eyes out and praying to G-d that I'd change. I hated this part of myself, and would do anything to get rid of it. I later thought my prayers were answered when I came across an ex-gay group, a Jewish one at that. I was sold into their promises that change was most definitely possible and expected. Years later I just didn't buy it anymore.
These days, I've accepted this part of myself, and don't hate myself or blame anyone for it. I don't think complete change is possible for me. Perhaps I can try therapies that will help control my urges better but I think this same sex attraction will always be there.
So things have been a bit complicated for a few years now, and I have felt more and more pressure to choose between my faith and my sexuality. In the end this IS what it comes down to. There is no such thing as being a gay orthodox Jew. I mean I know there are groups that say there is, but I just don't see it. How can you be a religious Jew, believing in the Torah wholeheartedly, and be gay? If you think the Torah is only against anal sex, and not other aspects of homosexuality, then you're kidding yourself.
Now you could say this is a great challenge G-d put before me, and expects me to overcome. But that's just not enough for me anymore. Am I supposed to lie to a girl and act like I'm attracted to her, and get her to marry me? I've dated girls with great looks and personalities, and tried to act like I'm attracted to them. But I ultimately feel wrong and can't continue to deceive. I can't see myself doing that to a girl, knowing I won't provide her with the love every husband should provide. I'm sooo selfless aren't I??? But seriously, would you be okay with me marrying one of your daughters??
Am I supposed to marry a lesbian? I hope this question/ situation sounds at least a little outrageous to you. Yes, I can find a lesbian who is in the same boat as I am... seems perfect. =) We can pretend to love each other just like every husband and wife. But is living this lie what G-d expects from me? Is that my purpose? I try to think about this objectively and the more I think about it, the crazier the idea seems; I can't help it. I want to be with someone because I love them wholeheartedly... THAT's what I dream about.
I dream about being with a guy. And I'm not just talking about sexually! I'm talking about having a strong, loving relationship with a nerdy, but attractive Jewish guy who makes me melt everytime he smiles at me. Some of you may be repulsed by reading this, and I understand (my own brother- slightly younger than me- can't help but express disgust sometimes). I do understand the fear and homophobia and even the repulsiveness. I mean... straight men wouldn't be completely straight if they thought men kissing is a little sexy... right?
So this is basically why I'm becoming less and less religious. I think the path I'm leaning towards is obvious here, and I don't think there's room for me in orthodoxy. Slowly, I'm doing less and less... I no longer put tefilin on or wear tzit-tzit every day, I no longer have a chavrusa every week, or make it to shul every single Shabbos. My faith is obviously in the middle of going through some changes, my brother even half-jokingly calls me a heretic, and I do take him seriously at times. But can you blame me?
You can say that my faith was weak to begin with, since I'm questioning my faith just because things with me aren't perfect, or I think life is unfair. But I don't think that's the case. I just don't really believe that my loving another man is an abomination. I don't think G-d would really want me to be put to death for that. Does that make me a heretic? It probably does, but that is just the way I feel.
This posting was not meant to influence or make an argument for or against anything. This is what I have been going through personally, and these are thoughts and ideas that have been going through my head. Feel free to respond. Don't be too harsh!
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