I'm back!... for now anyway

I know I've been away for a while, but I guess I've just been busy. A lot has been going on since my last post. It's crazy because it feels like last time I posted was months and months ago, when it really was not even 2 months. For me, blogging is very time consuming, but I probably will write more over the summer being that I'm now on summer vacation.

Well, shortly after my last blog, my father passed away. That was quite an experience, which I'll probably write about at another time. The day I flew back into Brooklyn I received more horrible news. One of my best friends (my roommate from college) passed away that morning. I think I was more depressed over my friend's passing, being that he was so young. He was younger than me. I had just attended his wedding a year ago, and he just had a baby boy weeks earlier. In fact, the day of his funeral was when his pidyon haben was going to take place. Very tragic.

Anyway, May was a trying time for me, but I am feeling much better. These kind of events make you think about whether you're living you're life the way you should. But the truth is, I'm ALWAYS thinking about whether I'm living my life the way I should... ALWAYS! One thing that I can learn from my dad's life is that he was happy. I mean I know things weren't perfect for him, but he always had a smile on his face, he was always making perverted jokes, and I do think he made the best of things. Right before I die, I'd like to think that I did lead a happy life.

When I attended my friend's funeral, I realized he did everything he wanted to do. He had a heart condition, so emergency trips to the hospital were no new thing to him. But he still managed to accomplish what he wanted to do in his short life. I remember, when we were roommates, that he was sort of going through a rebellious stage. But I did notice that he did have a yearning to get closer to Hashem,and lead a religious life. He ended up leaving before he graduated so he could attend yeshiva. He got married joined the kollel, and had a baby boy. I think those were the main goals in his lfe, and he completed each one of them. I'd like to one day look back and feel accomplished as I know he would feel.

I'm 25, and I feel like I should already be on my way to bigger and better things. I should be meeting someone right now, and starting to think about our future together, and our family, etc... But I feel like I'm stuck. I still have not reconciled my sexuality and my religion. And to tell you the truth, I don't think I ever will completely. I keep bouncing around from one side of the fence to the other. And really this has been going on for years. Just when I'm sure that I have chosen a path, something happens that changes my mind, or makes me reevaluate everything.

My problem is that I try to put too much emphasis on things or events. I'm always looking for signs from Hashem, because I'm always asking for His guidance. And when these 2 horrible events happened last month, I thought maybe I should take it as a message from Hashem. Up until that point I was sort of swaying towards meeting a nice Jewish guy, and seeing where things go from there. I mean I even went on a "date." But then this happens, and now I've been thinking I should try and go the other way. I've been going out more to straight frum parties/events. I've been trying to be more social with the females. I have even been pondering asking this one girl out on a date.

At a party last week, there was this girl who kept looking at me, like she was expecting me to come over to her. After several of those looks, I did decide to go over and start up a conversation. If I was straight I would totally go for her! I mean she's beautiful, humble, has a great smile, and is a little shy. If I ever got married, I could totally see a girl like her as my wife.
But, the physical attraction isn't there, at least on my part. I mean I know she's beautiful, and I really like her personality, but there should at least be a little physical attraction. No? I just don't see how a marriage could work with me, being that that female organ does nothing for me. I mean I'm even repulsed by the idea.

I'll just stop here abruptly cause this post has gone long enough! See what happens when you have too much time on your hands?!