I've been feeling for a while that my life needs something more. I feel as if there's almost nothing interesting about me. I feel like my life is boring (yawn!). The only thing I could think of was the fact that I'm a public school teacher. That's one of the main reasons I decided to go into teaching, and in a bad area too. I love the fact that everyday is different, and that you can never know what to expect. My day goes so fast, and is over before I know it (I don't think most people can say that about their jobs). Plus it's a high energy job- I'm lucky to find even a couple of minutes to sit at my chair- and it keeps me on my toes.
But other than that... there's nothing really. One thing I've decided to do to try and change this is save as much money as possible to go on a crazy vacation this year sometime. Maybe Europe somewhere, maybe Israel, maybe Mexico or South America... somewhere crazy or exotic and out of the country. I NEED a little more excitement in my life.
I also need to get out more. Usually on the weekends I don't go out that much, because I try and rest up for the week. It's happened too many times where I go out and have a good time, and feel like I need an additional break after the weekend. Yah.... I guess I sort of bring this boring life upon myself. :-\ But I guess another reason I don't go out much is because I'm sort of also bored of going out, especially with the people I go out with. My friends are fine, and I do enjoy hanging out with them. But it sort of feels redundant after a while, and I don't enjoy myself as much. We go out, drink a little too much, someone makes an ass out of themselves (sometimes me =) ), and sometimes one of my friends gets the opportunity to impress an attractive girl. I guess that's what makes going out fun... the chance that you may meet someone , and if you don't... there's always alcohol! (totally kidding!). =)
Well, this is why I don't enjoy going out as much, and don't have as much fun as my friends do. We don't really have that one important common interest: they like women and I don't. I guess I just need more gay friends. I do have a handful of them, and when I say handful I literally mean just a handful... it's actually kind of pathetic. But it's hard making gay friends especially when you are not out. My gay guy friends I don't have much in common with: they are either weird, kinda creepy, or just want to hook up with me (and hookups are a no no for me!). ;) My gay girl friends are fine, we just don't get to hang out as much.
I guess the bottom line is that I need to get out more and meet more people like me with similar interests. My problem is that I am too concerned about keeping my anonymity, and it's time I stop being afraid and move on. I don't go to these interesting gay jewish events for that reason. I have to face the inevitable, and cannot keep pushing it off. I'm going to have to come out (yah.. the closet?). I'm 25, and it's time I go ahead and live my life. Nothing is going to change unless I do something about it. Last week, I felt so pathetic when a kid came up to me and asked me how old I was. I answered 25. Then he responded, "why aren't you married?" I answered, "because I haven't found the right one." But my single status at my age was not the pathetic part, it's the fact that I am not even looking. I don't want to be alone forever.
I keep thinking that some friends will feel betrayed or repulsed, some family will be extremely hurt (especially my mother), and others disappointed if I came out. But I cannot keep my life on hold forever and allow others' thoughts to keep me from living my own life, and being happy. I think it's been long enough that I've been living this lie. It's time I do what I have to do. What am I waiting for... for everyone to find out a different way? I can't have that happen.
I'm not saying I'm coming out today, tomorrow, or even at the Seder! I'm just acknowledging what I need to do... hopefully sooner than later. But all this is MUCH easier said than done.
Oy Vey!.... life is complicated isn't it?!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Sorry you are so bored, I hope you can get out and I don't mean out of the closet just out of the house. Hopefully you will find your crowd. I am sure it is so tough feeling like you have to hide who you are. Hope your parents are supportive, that is if they know , do they know? Keep strong!:)
I don't live with my parents. They live on the other side of the country, down south. But no, they don't know. I'm hoping they will be supportive. I have a pretty strong relationship with my mother, and I don't think she would ever want for that to end. I guess only time will tell.
shy:
thanks so much for your comment. very much appreciated. =)
it doesn't kill me so much to keep it inside- i've gotten used to it, but it is very frustrating at times.
i agree that i think once i'm out
i'll feel better, even though it may have some negative consequences.
thanks so much for your support.
I totally hear you man. sometimes you need a change of pace. If I lived near you I would totally suggest we hang out. coming out? hmmm, in more ways than one....well you'll know when you are ready, but living your life as a Jew(in any 'religious' form), being gay will be a struggle for you. BUT THAT's OKAY....until being 'gay' is cool in the Religious world, you just have to find where you feel good and are being true to yourself. If anything, finding true friends....you will know when it happens man!
Post a Comment