Leading a Double Life

I was reading an article the other day about why all kinds of people lead double lives, whether it's someone who hides being half black, someone who hides their religious background, or someone who hides their sexuality. Obviously some benefit is gained, or believed to be gained, by doing this. In the article, one guy was able to get ordained as a conservative rabbi, something he would not have been able to do had he not hidden the fact that he was gay. Another guy denied he was black since middle school because he saw how the white students at his school received more attention. These are just a couple of examples of people leading a double life merely to achieve ordinary ends.

I was definitely able to relate to this article, and maybe a lot more people can relate to it to some degree as well. What I gain most I think is acceptance. If I told my straight friends about me... sure most will still be friends with me, but most don't understand and/or can't relate, and would perhaps feel at least a little uneasy/uncomfortable around me at times. I think I will no longer be as close to some, probably because they will no longer think we are so much alike after all, or don't want to be associated with me as before. I simply do not want to be treated any differently as I am now.

It's not fun having to lie to most of my friends and family. I'm not just talking about hiding my sexuality; I'm talking about lying about where I'm going on a Saturday night, who I'm going with, how I know a certain someone, why I keep saying that I'm not ready to start dating seriously, etc... It's hard sometimes keeping all these lies straight, and one lie leads to another, and sometimes it starts getting a little hairy!

I was talking to my best friend's sister the other day about where I hung out last week. I had told this friend the name of a bar in The Village that doesn't even exist, because I know he wouldn't recognize it since he doesn't go out much. I definitely didn't want to give him the name to a gay club. His sister, on the other hand, knows basically all the bars/clubs in the city. She asked me which place I went to, in front of my friend. I gave her a different name - the first straight club that popped into my head, which is nowhere near the village. Luckily, my friend wasn't even paying attention, but if he was things could have got a little crazy.

There have been so many of these close-call situations in my life, too many! There have been times where I've almost had panic attacks!!!... and I never get those! Overall, I've become really good at coming up with stories to cover my tracks, but it's not something I'm proud of. Even though I think there is a positive purpose to this lying, I don't feel great about lying to my friends and family. I feel like I'm giving them a false sense of who I really am. But then again, I'm sure most will understand (I hope?).